Rising Tides, Crashing Skies (Flashback/Hanako)

all the pieces lie where they fell...

She held the little one in her arms, even if she was home now. She was lost in what she could do. Their plans stalled, their ideas not completely there until the building was done and than they had this risk of going to drop so much in finances and who would be ruined, thank god they had her apartment as a rent, maybe she could sell some of her jewelry, anything that would bring money. "Huh," She looked at Kai as he pulled her hair softly and looked at her with big yet sleepy eyes. She thought that she vaguely remembered being told that children would be expensive. They would be time consuming and everything and yet she felt a lump in her throat thinking that when staring at her curious little one that tried to reach another piece of her hair as she brushed it with her free hand behind her ear. She nuzzled him as she lifted him up and rubbed her nose against his. When she lowered him back to her lap again she noticed G and did not understand the wave entirely. As he went to sit in the other room, on their bed, she frowned a little. There must be something for sure, why else did he not come here.

She put the little one into his little bed and tucked him underneath his blanket and kissed him again, she distracted him with his pretty blue plushy that no longer was as big as he was. She watched him for a few seconds to make sure he was okay and would not cry as she left him and closed the door softly. She smiled and walked over to G with a quick stride, happy still to be home, she tried to tell her that her worries were ridiculous, they had been fine all their dates in the last two months had gone fine. She had told him she did not want to take it easy and did not want to take it slow and look at her being back in their house and them considering a project. It would be fine, it would probably be something about the drivers license and so on that he would work on and who knows what else, maybe someone of the company had called, it would be fine. It would be absurd to think differently, she had to hold on to positive thoughts. Her legs were not shared, her neck not broken, neither her back when she fell of the stairs and most important of all: her baby survived that as well and would fall asleep any minute.

all the pieces lie where they fell...

She frowned, he was behaving weird but Hanako simply nodded and sat down. Because of his behaviour the smile on her face disappeared rather quickly already and she simply sat down and she did not dare to look at him but she should. She wasn't ready for anything. Her own mind wasn't stable yet if you looked at everything, being at home for two weeks now did not mean that she was stable and sure of what to do. Her eyes locked at Kai's constantily because she had to make sure he was okay. There were no nurses to come and look after him, she had to do it by herself now and of course with G but would he dump her? She wasn't sure. Her mind wasn't reasonable. She was afraid as well and even if it was easily seen in his eyes she stared at his and didn't break away. She was suspicous, what about Haruuhi? "I came back in May, I was here on the thirteenth, she was there too." She did not get it, that's when he got into the hospital and she had to see him and she just came back after pushing of the girls and she had not dared to contact him later. She wasn't sure, did she tell G anything bad about Hanako? But than why had she come to Kyoto to get her back? She tried to not freak out but it might be too late for that and she kept her breath to not ask another question.

Her blue eyes still looking at his eyes and trying to listen. She closed her eyes and looked away, even if he did not say Yuuki her name, she understood very well who he meant and the fact that Haruuhi hit her was a very good feeling. But what did that have to do, she turned her eyes back to him, still not sure, still cautious. What more? Not depressed over their breakup? Oh. Hanako looked away, oh maybe she had been too positive. She froze but nodded. She swallowed, obviously, she swallowed so visible as if she was trying to swallow the lump in her throat, she wanted to say stuff but it only proved again that it wasn't her place. "Why?" Was the only reasonable word that although smothered came over her lips. Why did people never understand? Why did she not learn her own place? Why Hanako? Why would you never learn?

all the pieces lie where they fell...

Why? Why did you let her? Why did she come to our work? Why did she slap Yuuki? Why does she care? I don't understand anymore, why? Why? It was the thousand versions of the word why and the rest of the sentences, phrases in her head that made her panic, that made her feel a pinch behind her right eyebrow. A starter indication for a headache. Why? It wasn't her child. It would never be her child if Haruuhi didn't want that and maybe Haruuhi didn't want that, maybe she just wanted her back only so G would do whatever it was that she wanted him to do or stop doing whatever it was that he was doing, she did not want to know. She looked at what he was doing, what motion he was making. She had a vague idea that she should know why Haruuhi would want a tattoo on her wrist, but she didn't. It makes her happy, yay what more could she say about it. "Why her wrist?" If they could have picked any other obvious location that would have been maybe 90% less, did they still not know how it worked, did he not get those reactions himself? Heck his back was hidden but what about his forearms, didn't he understand why people were afraid of him, why he never got a job before!

She held her own hands in her lap, barely moving, so many thoughts racing through her mind. She had to let it go, it wasn't as if she could have changed it, she wasn't there in May but that meant they had thought only so shortly about it, what even was it? She had not seen it. She felt like she was getting nauseous and that was dumb, ha, who did you think you were Hanako? God, she made so many mistakes. She wanted to pull her hair but she did not. She sat eerie quiet and did not say much more than the three words she had spoken before. His reaction was another reason to why she was frozen, she heard him taking deep breathes and that made her realize that she made him afraid. Afraid of her reaction. Good God. What was she doing here? Why was she here? She belonged with no one else, but herself. She should get up. Get up now! See it, Nanami should be here, she was more pretty, the little model, no issues with her weight and look, she was the perfect natural beauty. She would have wanted his kid, she would do everything much better.

all the pieces lie where they fell...

The answer was maybe vague but it gave her enough thoughts that she did not want in her head. It made her sad, it made her hurt and she did not want to think that way but it was obvious. She knew about the lightning shape no her wrist, she had seen it after all and that was what was linked to the nights in December, where she had been there with Macabre and where she had to fix the newspapers in the late nights of the evening. It had pained her and she could not have done anything, she had not made the best impression for the girl on the first Christmas days. She had brought the robodog back that maybe had given her some credits. But apparently not enough credits to tell her about the frustration of the scar nor to G to be considered into the adulting decision of a tattoo on the body of a teen. Japan might be open minded for some people to tattoos but Hanako doubt it was a smart plan and it was on her wrist it would show up every moment you move your arm and she hated it. She could not find any positive word in her mind. If there had not been any other solution surely because she did not want to think of tattoos that bad but there were creams and other stuff to remove a scar and that would be highly more important. Why?

Why?

It did not matter what she thought. It wasn't necessary. She wasn't the mother. She was nothing. Even if she had wanted her back, maybe it was only for G and not about Hanako, she might have called her mom but Hanako wasn't to Haruuhi. She wasn't anything to anyone, right? Slip of the tongue, manipulative, anything really? What was it? She looked at her lap, remain seated. It was three months ago but it hurt her so much. What was she to anyone? Was she anything? Did it matter? "When?" She said her voice faltering when he told her the second incident that Haruuhi had. God, she had protected the girl when she was drunk, called out G for his childish behaviour and yet she did it again. What was this about? About everything. She simply nodded but the locks of black hair fell over her shoulder hiding her expression from G as she looked at her lap, she was highly aware of that.

all the pieces lie where they fell...

She had to put all her focus in her brain on not letting her body thremble. Don't do it again, don't be so stupid, don't be so ridiculous, don't do anything bad but she felt like crying again. She had nothing to blame, she had to blame her own incapability and she had to blame herself for all that, it did not matter, she was a failure, she wasn't anything, she wasn't even a nothing. She was not worth it. The fact that he felt the need to defend himself already when he had to do something about it, the fact that he wanted to show her how he did well meant that she was a horrible person. He was afraid of her, they all had something against and everyone eventually would be done with her. Everyone, it would always be the same. She would be waiting for the relation to break again, but she did not want that, she just couldn't take it and took a deep breath. She wasn't sure what to say. She wasn't even sure if she was mad, yes she was but she was sure she wasn't entirely angry at G. It was that he had not told her while there must be better opportunities, the date was so close to them meeting for the festival, they- ha.. hahaha. She almost laughed, was that the curse that stupid paper spoke about? Would that be more recent and thus more accurate than the tarot woman?

She looked up at the door of the baby room and shook her head. He asked if he was a disappointment and he apologized. She stood up and walked out of their bedroom, she couldn't. There were no words, she should just simply disappear, everyone happy. Having the family they wanted, having the kid they wanted, just no one to deal with her. They didn't want to tell her stuff and when they did they talked to her mouth to make sure to protect themselves for her potential wrath or something. She slammed the front door behind her closed, it wasn't her intention, the door handle slipped from her fingers and the door slammed closed. She had no keys, how would she.. she couldn't. She shouldn't belong here or anywhere and she felt like she was breaking everything. It started early, she had never cried for the death of her parents or Nanami. She had been ungrateful to the man she dated before. She had taken everything and never given anything in return. She wasn't worth it. She shouldn't exist. She stumbled and fell on her knees on the pavement in front of their house. His house. God, where did she even want to go if her legs could not even carry her? She was stupid and she finally let the tears drop on her face, her shoulder shook. It did not matter, she did not matter. She wished she could just not be here, for the sake of everyone she loved, it would save them so much trouble. Her baby, her little baby, oh and she couldn't take it. She felt embarrassed, she did not get up as her legs hurt, hiding her face so no one had to see that she was crying.

all the pieces lie where they fell...

The pain in her legs was horrible, the pain in her heart was so much worse and she wanted to scream out loud but all she could do was cry in silence, her hands hiding her face. Her shoulders shaking and just simply crying. She felt someone close to her and through the slid of her fingers she could see it was G and she wanted to push him away but she had no energy and she let him close and hold on to him and she cried only more. Something should happen, she should stop, she should get away. The pain she could not carry it. Why was she not worth it, why did it always end up like this. Why did they not care, why did they all leave her eventually. God she did not want to think about that, she wanted to be happy. She couldn't let her guard down but she did. She should not have accepted that, she should not have let her guard down, she shouldn't have let him in. It was a mistake, "a mistake." She cried but it was barely audible, it was a mumbling of her lips against his shirt and she cried, a high shrieking sound was all she could made as no words could actually form of her lips.

Why would he want to think about her like this? Why did she think she could be together with someone? Why did she think she would be a good mother, she just ran away from her sleeping lil baby from only two months old. He would need his mother and all she could think of was running away. Of course Haruuhi and Miku wouldn't want such a reckless person as their mother. Who would.

She gripped his shirt and tried to stop crying and she heard him but they were not sure. Right their whole thing was unsure, she should let him go, there must be so many women out there that wanted him. Yuuki was already one of them and she hiccupped. She was almost there to stop crying and when she finally did after he kissed her forehead, she kept her face hidden, she did not intend to say anything at this point. Because she did not know where to start. Her knee was bleeding, she could feel it trickling down on her skin and she could not move her legs that were folded behind her body. Locked in position physically, locked in despair mentally.

all the pieces lie where they fell...

She hiccuped a few couple times more and she looked at his eyes. For a few seconds before she immediately adverted her eyes. She could not look him she did not know how to talk. "I have to go." But as she tried to make the motion to get up she made a whiny sound and looked at her legs. Had she told him how bad the damage on her hips were when she was in the hospital. Else they wouldn't keep her in the hospital for revalidation for that long. She didn't want to break his heart, she did not want to tell him how this was a mistake but he should know. He should have his own life, he shouldn't have to know, he shouldn't have to be in pain like she was. "I-I can't." She hiccuped trying to stop herself from crying again. She could not tell him, she could not get it over her lips how she had to get out, not after two months of being together again, she needed him. She wanted to be normal, she wanted to make decisions like every other normal person, not have to worry about everything. This was probably the reason why she was quirkless. She should stop, she couldn't, she couldn't take it anymore.

She wasn't sure how to form it she looked finally back up in his eyes again and pushed her hand against his chest to push him away but she did not have the strength. They had a second chance, they had a baby. "I can't do this." She cried again, she tried not to avert her eyes, which was a lot of strength that she needed. But she could do it, he deserved it, "I don't belong here." In his family, in his everything, why did he pick her, what was it that made it that he liked her more. What about the girls from before, was she so different? Was she better? Was she the one that should be a mom, she did not believe it for a second.