Lost in Love [G & H]

"Me happy?" Hanako was utterly surprised by the words G spoke to her. Her happiness? What had her happiness all to do with this at this point. She shrugged, she didn't want to get into the discussion, afraid she would say things she did not mean. "Don't worry about it, I understand you were busy with more important matters." Hanako wasn't dumb and she also clearly did not blame him for the whole event. She had been thinking, guessing and wondering but at this point, she had not found any clues yet and her faithful helpers weren't helping either. The fact that he picked her and apologized made her only feel worse about herself.  

 "This is not about me, G. It's about you and Haru, but they say you were ready to get out of the hospital considering wounds and everything. So I got a call." Did he not know or did he just not want to go now, which she thought she might understand but she wasn't sure if she entirely understood it herself. Also, would that mean she was his: in case of emergency-contact? "I mean, get a shower, take a breather before returning. The hospital is..." She wanted to say safe but she remembered a previous Thundershock moment, so what she had wanted to say made no sense. Tokyo perhaps was not safe at all, but she had no time to consider that. She looked if she could see the cab from where she was standing, maybe she should just go home. "It's up to you Gil." She felt nervous about being here, she actually wanted him to tell her that he would stay and not come along. "It's about ten minutes to my house, if you change your mind you can be at any other place so fast, in the blink of an eye." What was she selling, what was she trying? All she wanted to shut her own mouth and walk out. She had her arms loosely crossed in front of her chest, she had closed herself off and actually did not stand too close to him, the kiss was only natural, right? Because for some reason she felt like she was making it worse by the minute. 

No. 

He should not have said that. While she tried to shut herself out, G did not seem to notice or did not want to notice as he took her hand and her protective atmosphere that she had tried to conjure fell apart. Ten minutes? Was she jealous of Haruuhi? Definitely not, she more had a form of pity for the girl because of what she had gone through and also did not feel the need to get the same experience and she also did not believe that she felt jealous because G spent all his time with her. It only made sense he did, if she had a kid... that was the point. She felt that she started to breathe quicker, Hanako felt that the panic she had felt days before was rushing over her. He deserved so much better, someone who agreed with the future he wanted and could provide that and not be a... a... 

a liability. 

Helplessness? Did he call it helplessness? She was in his way! She wanted to stamp her foot on the ground as a ridiculous child but she could not, she could not move, she could not say anything that only made sense. Her eyes darted from left to right while looking at the ground. He did not abandon her, he had nothing to be afraid or sorry of for her. He had to do what he had to do and that was being there for his kids. She felt the hug and it suffocated her. The thoughts in her mind went on like a tornado.

He doesn't need you.

He deserves someone so much better. 

Poor little Hana, always the odd one out. 

She felt that she was clinging to a sanity that wasn't there because she had to say it. He wanted to do something to help her, but she did not need help, he did! Did he not see that she was not the right one for him! He would only be held down by the likes of her. "I think we should break up." It tumbled out of her mouth, over her lips like some vulgar word, nasty meaning that she did not mean. Her own blue eyes turned bigger, oh no... no no she should not have said it like that. She did not plan to say it now, not after he had so much to endure and she would only make it worse, only become worse and she turned around. Shit. 

Her feet moved without her actually wanting it. She should explain! 

Shit.
What had she done? 

Faster her feet went, the clicking clacking sound on the floor of the hospital hallway soon changed into louder clicks on the pavement. Her right hand grabbing the door of the cab she had waiting on her. Why did she go if she felt like this? She uttered out the words necessary to send the cab driving back to her house, in ten minutes, she could pretend nothing happened and she did not just ruin a brighter future for a worse one out of love and protection for G. After all, he did not need a liability. 

Words could not describe what happened and not even describe what went on in her head. She wasn't even entirely sure if she could describe it herself. The stupid thing was that she believed that she should actually listen to her own thoughts and just tell G what happened and why she thought this but at this point, she just ran. What the hell why would she just not say it, why did her feet move and not her mouth. She used to be good with words but now suddenly words were blocked and all she could do was run. She was anxious, expecting the world to go off on her white phone because she made a scene in the hospital hall. She looked in her bag, wait.. where was her phone? Oh no, it only got worse. She shook her head and tangled her long black hair, no, not everything got worse. The worst was that she said to G that they should break up. 

She felt her own heartbreak for her own stupidity and it made it only feel worse that her heart felt so empty now and she finally started to cry. She stepped out of the taxi and paid for it with her credit card, not even looking at the price and she stepped into her building. She felt weak in the knees and she did not know how to get there at all, it was only a couple of steps towards the elevator but it felt like she had to go through all the hell hole roads while it was just a door, a hallway and her own private elevator. 

She hurried, afraid she would fall, faint, puke, a normal thing probably for now but not the idea that she wanted to do that. She clicked on the button and added her key so she could go up, but she had no idea how dreadfully slow it felt and she felt like the world had a sudden dark edge and that she might faint ndeed. She held on with white knuckles at the doorsign as well as her bag, she would not faint. She would not make matters worse. 

She was indeed in her bedroom crying, only not in the bed, she was sitting at her make-up table and hiding her face within her arms as she was sobbing on the table. She had no idea how she got here, she had not even dropped her jacket, she just tried to get her mind together but all she could do was cry and cry and realize how stupid she was because it made no sense that she would break up with him. It made no sense at all because she loved him, she wanted to be with him and most of all she just couldn't think that she was so selfish, but she was and that's why she said it. She thought she heard her name, which only made sense. Of course, he would come to her house. She had given him the damn key and she did not regret it at all. Not even now. 

She looked up from her sobbing and crying and felt her lower lip tremble when she stood up to see him, wobbly on her legs even when she had kicked of her shoes. "Gil?" He did not sound mad, well not in the extreme that she expected, which she would forgive him for as well because it was her own fault. "Gil, I-I." But she did not know what to say because she could not say it, she did mean it but she also did not mean it. "I do love you, but." She felt like crying again but if she would do so, she would only take longer before she would tell everything. "But I am not the right girl for you." She choked on her silent tears, "You deserve so much better." She did not touch him, she did not dare to do see what it would do, she did want him to hold her but she could not because it would only make things worse. Would he understand? She did not know how to hold herself, she was a mess after all. 

He had to understand, it was about so much more but words were so difficult because well, he was a distraction. A good distraction but not if she tried to form words to tell him why and why it was so important because of that. She wanted to be good enough for him. She held her breath when he walked over to her and her blue eyes stared up at him because what should she say? She was more surprised about the hug, to be fair she expected an angry rant. The experience about why she expected that did not come from G. they only had have 3 fights and the first one was an ignore, awkward moment in the resort. The second was where she said it had been a mistake to sleep with each other because she did not believe they would become a couple and that she failed to acknowledge the feelings they both had, he had been angry then. She had made assumptions again, this time she made assumptions to but not out of spite to him, not because she hated him, but because she loved him so much. 

She wanted to chuckle but also did not, it was a half attempt at a laugh as she was safe in his arms. She looked up at him, but stayed close, her feet no longer taking the initiative to walk away even though she should. She had not yet explained exactly to why but he would not let her. They did fit together but she was a trainwreck and a kluntz but most of all she was a liability and the destroyer of his future plans. She held her breath again, this time not realizing it. Telling you fucked and dated many women was probably not the best way of telling things but she did not notice at this point. "But, but I." How should she say this, she did not want to break up but she had to because he literally deserved someone who agreed on the future he wanted because they would both want it. "I don't want to leave you." She looked back at the floor, anywhere but his face as she would finally admit what bothered her from even before they were dating and she had not known why until they started dating, "But I don't want the same future as you do." Words were lacking and hidden and difficult to find. She decided to find the willpower to look up at him, to finally admit it, "I don't want any children and you do." That wasn't all, "And I can't do anything, I can only be in your way, I have no quirk, I have no ability or anything that makes me able to do something. I am... I am a liability." She looked away, this time not to the floor but just sideways, away from his eyes, "I went to a first aid course, just to do something." He had said before that she would help him out, to Kenshin if she remembered correctly but it wasn't true. 

He didn't say anything, another wave of panic came over her. Which was strange as she had said they should break up and for some reason, she hoped Gil would get angry at her, heck even yell at her about being insane and ridiculous and not break up with her. She was protecting him because she loved him. She did not dare to look at him but because of the silence, she looked at him for seconds, before turning her glance away, before turning back and doing the same a few times before he finally said I know. He, what? How did he know? Her blue eyes couldn't look away anymore and with a questioned look she turned to look at his eyes again. She did not notice herself but it was as a wave of relief came over her. He knew. He already knew, so there was no problem at all. She sobbed now only, the tears had stopped, she felt so stupid and happy at the same time. 

Normally words did not take long for Hanako to be understood, not even second meanings or sarcasm but this time it seemed to go like some sort of slow motion but then in hearing. Slow hearing? He did not care? She stopped sobbing in general as shock came over her. "You don't care." She repeated softly as to not interrupt him from speaking to her. She felt a big blush reach her cheeks as he said her name and swore and again said he loved her. She took a step closer to him again now that he finished talking to bury her face against his chest. She held on to his shirt as she did not know what to do. She was only 25, they had enough years to consider all this. "I love you, so, so much." She smiled a little, "Please forgive me. I don't want to break up with you. I just..." Whatever the excuse was, she should not have said it, she did have a rough week but she realized his week must be so much worse than hers. Maybe he was right, maybe in a couple of years, she wanted kids, considering how bad she felt for Haruuhi, how that stressed her out and how it frustrated her that she could do nothing. She had met the girl only once, in a room with many others, but it was Gil's child and because of that, she would love his kids anyway.