Post by Narcissa King on Jul 1, 2020 15:30:20 GMT -4
It was like a cage that she couldn’t get out, she still couldn’t believe it. Those words, the thoughts behind it, the look in his eyes. She had felt like a monster, huh funny how Sonya had said that they should never become the monsters the society thinks they are. But she was, that was all she was, everyone had seen it from the beginning, right? Maybe that’s why she was named after an idiotic hunter that fell in love with himself. Maybe she could only love and think for herself, it made so much sense. She did not want to think about it, because it made her think about that man too and she shouldn’t make herself feel good and pretty and everything about that day, it shouldn’t be something she held on to. She should not congratulate herself with things that she actually did not do and worse that made it… made it like nothing. That she did not just rip someone’s heart out and squeezed it as if it was nothing. But what did she feel? Why did she still not know how to feel? Was she even a functional human being? She tore at her hair and stared at the nothing. She could not do anything today. Having called in sick for work and here she stood in a jumper and nothing else, leaning with her hips to the kitchen cabinets because she did not know anything anymore. Why was there no one there for her, why was the only one gone now?
Why did she feel like crying when it was her fault? As usual… no. As always it was her fault. Narcissa King was dead. She should really fake her own death and as Antonio suggested before going somewhere, where no one would bother about her existence. Ha, the amazon sounded like a very tempting location or the jungle in Mexico or so. She read enough horror stories about the myths there and well who knew about the spirits that might take her away. The Tarot game would take her soul already, it was not ending, it was just capturing her and squeezing tight on her feelings, on her humanity and most of all on her heart. She knew that she should not have feelings but she did not know at all, did she really had no feelings at all? Was it so harboured into her at this point in time that she really believed no one could be trusted? She could still see it when she closed her eyes, the orange sky, the flames licking the building and she just stood there, looking up, not knowing yet what the consequences would be and she stood there, in shock with everyone else, listening to the screams and the sirens, but she didn’t have her hero outfit, she didn’t have anything with her to go there. When the sounds died out, away from them, that’s when they started to look at her and call out to her that she was useless. She lifted her free hand to touch the little scar beneath her eye, a present of her mother, whose ring just hit her and the dirt underneath it had infected her skin, a blemish she would not get away from her face. A daily reminder when she looked in the mirror. Barbados was gone.
She felt her knees buckle, her hands shaking and she just stared at her phone, the reason why it happened was that she was trying to make plans but when she hit her contact list, he was the first there. She hated how she crashed and burned everything and she shook her head, what did she feel? Apart from being totally miserable right now, what did she feel in general? How could someone care for her if she didn’t even know what she felt herself? She threw her phone away, just hearing the loud sound as it hit the wall opposite her and she just shook, cried and eventually without knowing screamed. As if the universe had not punished her enough. Wasn’t it enough at some point? Really? Really did it had to continue? It was enough. She didn’t want to go on anymore. She kept screaming, her throat felt raw, her vision was blurred with her tears, ”Why him?” She knew she was always angry at him, always so annoyed and it was because she did not want to be seen as weak, she hated that. They had called her weak, a waste of time and a waste of the prospect of Pro-heroes. With that lie, they had sent her away and now… forever the delicate flower. Finally, her mind registered that there was a loud sound that she did not like and that it was coming from her own mouth, abruptly she slapped her jaws together and it stopped. But she did not get up from where she sat, she even pulled up her own legs and buried her forehead against her knees.
”I am sorry.” She said to the empty apartment, as that was what would happen for the rest of her life. Friends did not exist, she did not deserve them, the universe made that very clear, especially yesterday. The tightening sense around her heart squeezed a little more. She felt nauseous, ready to vomit, what was going on with her? She had not felt that way when Mattias and she broke their engagement. Then what was this? She should go, do something, find another place to go, another job. Another thing to give him space. Maybe she should send him a text? She looked up from her knees, up to the ceiling and for the first time in months, she prayed. She hated praying ever since she got banished, for exactly that reason. Where was the justice, the road for her that would give her something, why did she had to endure this? But even though she hated it, she hated herself enough, she did not pray for herself, she prayed for him.
A knock on the door scared her and she climbed up holding herself at the Kitchen surface and stared at the door, but the sound seem to disappear and she hurried there, to the lobby, to the hallway of her penthouse. There was no one and she just looked, there was not even one thought that it could have been a prank and she looked down and noticed the music box and a flower, a red rose and she slumped down again while picking it up so carefully. She managed to just close the door and lean against it and listen to the sound and smell the rose. She finally after minutes managed to get up and simply get her phone from the ground in the kitchen. The screen completely cracked but she managed a text.
It's beautiful.
Why did she feel like crying when it was her fault? As usual… no. As always it was her fault. Narcissa King was dead. She should really fake her own death and as Antonio suggested before going somewhere, where no one would bother about her existence. Ha, the amazon sounded like a very tempting location or the jungle in Mexico or so. She read enough horror stories about the myths there and well who knew about the spirits that might take her away. The Tarot game would take her soul already, it was not ending, it was just capturing her and squeezing tight on her feelings, on her humanity and most of all on her heart. She knew that she should not have feelings but she did not know at all, did she really had no feelings at all? Was it so harboured into her at this point in time that she really believed no one could be trusted? She could still see it when she closed her eyes, the orange sky, the flames licking the building and she just stood there, looking up, not knowing yet what the consequences would be and she stood there, in shock with everyone else, listening to the screams and the sirens, but she didn’t have her hero outfit, she didn’t have anything with her to go there. When the sounds died out, away from them, that’s when they started to look at her and call out to her that she was useless. She lifted her free hand to touch the little scar beneath her eye, a present of her mother, whose ring just hit her and the dirt underneath it had infected her skin, a blemish she would not get away from her face. A daily reminder when she looked in the mirror. Barbados was gone.
She felt her knees buckle, her hands shaking and she just stared at her phone, the reason why it happened was that she was trying to make plans but when she hit her contact list, he was the first there. She hated how she crashed and burned everything and she shook her head, what did she feel? Apart from being totally miserable right now, what did she feel in general? How could someone care for her if she didn’t even know what she felt herself? She threw her phone away, just hearing the loud sound as it hit the wall opposite her and she just shook, cried and eventually without knowing screamed. As if the universe had not punished her enough. Wasn’t it enough at some point? Really? Really did it had to continue? It was enough. She didn’t want to go on anymore. She kept screaming, her throat felt raw, her vision was blurred with her tears, ”Why him?” She knew she was always angry at him, always so annoyed and it was because she did not want to be seen as weak, she hated that. They had called her weak, a waste of time and a waste of the prospect of Pro-heroes. With that lie, they had sent her away and now… forever the delicate flower. Finally, her mind registered that there was a loud sound that she did not like and that it was coming from her own mouth, abruptly she slapped her jaws together and it stopped. But she did not get up from where she sat, she even pulled up her own legs and buried her forehead against her knees.
”I am sorry.” She said to the empty apartment, as that was what would happen for the rest of her life. Friends did not exist, she did not deserve them, the universe made that very clear, especially yesterday. The tightening sense around her heart squeezed a little more. She felt nauseous, ready to vomit, what was going on with her? She had not felt that way when Mattias and she broke their engagement. Then what was this? She should go, do something, find another place to go, another job. Another thing to give him space. Maybe she should send him a text? She looked up from her knees, up to the ceiling and for the first time in months, she prayed. She hated praying ever since she got banished, for exactly that reason. Where was the justice, the road for her that would give her something, why did she had to endure this? But even though she hated it, she hated herself enough, she did not pray for herself, she prayed for him.
A knock on the door scared her and she climbed up holding herself at the Kitchen surface and stared at the door, but the sound seem to disappear and she hurried there, to the lobby, to the hallway of her penthouse. There was no one and she just looked, there was not even one thought that it could have been a prank and she looked down and noticed the music box and a flower, a red rose and she slumped down again while picking it up so carefully. She managed to just close the door and lean against it and listen to the sound and smell the rose. She finally after minutes managed to get up and simply get her phone from the ground in the kitchen. The screen completely cracked but she managed a text.
It's beautiful.
