Question marks [Ai & Nimue]

So many thoughts about conversation and yet no word spoken to those that should hear, to those that should listen. Should she talk about the incidents that were happening over town, the fires, everything that was happening, she remembered Iwayo's words that they were dead and that the fire was a cover up and even if she had calmed down after insanity moment, her moment of regret of being too late, of not understand what the fires meant. What could she do but wait until it was over, run around to safe those in the burning building but what was the point? She was a healer, that was what she focused on, to avoid the pain and the costs of that pain, to make people feel better about themselves and so on, the children could depend on what Iwayo wanted to say, her motherly instinct that hit her hard at multiple times was okay, but who had Nimue herself to talk to? Her spirits cared about her, she knew that, they pointed that out in her fight against Oz, they were angry how he hurt her and mislead her but that did not change that she felt belittled and overwhelmed, she did not want to take a break, there was no time to take a break. She had to study the arts of becoming stronger, she would have to study a lot before she would be able to be satisfied in whatever that she was doing, trying to keep up without falling. 

But who would listen to her. 

G had listened, but he was busy or well not busy but he had to fix something himself. She felt restless and hurt, there was maybe no one out there, directly... she looked up surprised when someone took the seat next to her. But the bigger surprise came when she recognized the man's distinctive red hair and the eyepatch, she did not recall the whole conversation that she had with him, as she had run away like cinderella at midnight, not losing a slipper but losing a painting. His first words were related to the beverage in front of her face, and she had not found her tongue back to reply to him, yes, coffee did not work.She had already figured that out but she wasn't sure if a drink would. How much he had remembered, she ordered the wine that she had thought of, from her country, she wished she could see the label, missing her language, missing her home. The accent always there in her tongue and yet lost in words that used such a different structure, it was easy to miss. She nodded when he said her name and finally a smile appeared, albeit small, on her lips. "It is good to see you do not hate me, I am really sorry." So many days had gone buy, months, the changing of the year and here they sat, soon drinking the same wine. 

"I barely even have time to paint." She laughed, but it was hollow, all her paintings were lost with Oz, sold, not under her name, under something weird and yet she still had not called the police. "Ever wondered if the world stops to listen to what you have to say?" It was philosophical, of course, the world would not stop but she felt small and unworthy, the path was not yet clear. 

She looked at Ai with surprise, she surely believed that she had annoyed him that night, a lot. The first step of a chain reaction unfolded. Her painting there, missing for months the longer she looked at it, wondering how people knew her paintings when she never had showed it to the outside world. The idea that behind her back at that point so much more had been going on had made her afraid and feeling insecure as a small spot on the world where everyone could just waltz over. She was going away from those track of thoughts lately, it was easier, more busy but also more rewarding, it only had effect on her not being able to simple draw and paint anymore as she had no time. When she got to Siegfried's home she was exhausted and did not want to do anything but sit on the couch and do nothing. Picking up her training and continuing on a path of becoming more well independent. 

It was however good to hear that Ai did not dislike her, that she did not have to apologize to him for her moment of domino effect, for the revelation, for the plottwist in her life and she smiled at him, grateful for his joke and his own chuckle. She did however not say thank you, slightly afraid it would be the same as the I am sorry and she did not wanted to be reprimanded again, a smile could say a thousand words though in her opinion. 

She had not realized before how much she loved painting, it had thrown a dark shadow over it after the bad words of Oz, after realizing he stole and sold her paintings behind her back. His harsh words only so she wouldn't miss them and gamble the money away. "I perhaps did not realize how much I missed it, I mean I love what I do for a living, I am a doctor, a specialist in some specific sectors when it comes to quirks and that invites me to a lot of meetings, dinners and so on. It is not a punishment but I do realize lately that it makes me tired." She almost said more, about leaving the house, trying to find an apartment but she did not want to spill her life story on the poor man that had to witness her break down. 

She did not expect Ai to ask her what she would say or ask if the world would listen to her. And if it remained in her philosophical way of thinking, she had only one word to say. "I would ask them why. If I could ask the question of why to everyone without any consequences of risking my job, my license, my life, or of suffering again, I just want to learn to understand and ask the world why." She would ask her God why he made it this way, what did she had to learn or gain from being with Oz. A house when she just got here? Someone to lean on during her study of Japanese, when Oz probably felt that he could still control her, send her to whatever way she wanted instead of what she herself wanted to do. Why, God, why? 

She watched him carefully. Ai was to her a puzzle piece that was in a strange shape and did not fit the rest of the puzzle and she could not figure out how to turn the puzzle piece to see if she could place it somewhere else. The thing was that she felt that it was so easy to tell him everything that she had to stop herself. She never was one to spill her story or her words over to everyone, it was mostly them talking to her and she wasn't sure what she should do with it. How to stop herself, she had done so tonight with little information to make sure Ai wasn't overwhelmed maybe even in a bad way with all the information about herself that she could share, all her worries, all her issues. She never had the feeling that it was her time, neither did she have that feeling now that wasn't it but the whole world felt like it stopped and listened to her. Siegfried seemed to do so, so why now. Another why question to be honest. 

"Eh?" She looked up surprised as Ai asked her if she did not regret those meetings or dinners and so on. She had not expected the question nor the idea of it be demanding. She thought carefully, yet not too long about how to form her answer. "Surely I would not mind to be home once in a while, which is true, I don't have meetings every day or dinners but I do not regret them. I worked a long time on this research and it actually feels rewarding to be able to tell my results and people be interested." She had maybe made it sound too much, to be fair there were a lot and she would have to see if the internships started soon how to slow them down or make them less. "I mean I am sure that in a few weeks they will surely lessen as everything would be discussed of what I did." Maybe she should not make an immediate new research but that would take months too, so she wasn't worried about it and again she loved her job, being able to help people with a quirk was something she loved to do as well. The teamwork with Nkosi only made it better. 

She leaned a bit back when Ai's attitude seemed to change so deeply and leaning close to her, seeming upright, no longer leaning on his hand and that smirk, she got a short moment of the creeps. The reason why... he could tell her why. No he could not, only her God would be able to tell her and he did not speak in the same languages as hers. She knew that, she knew she had to learn better to find the answer and not in a writing or a word, just out there. 

It's because you let it happening. 

Excuse me? Is all she thought and she stared at Ai and the smiling side of her face disappeared and her eyes turned well cold for her case. "Interesting to say from a man that doesn't know me." She said coolly. "I don't mind my suffering, I love to do my job and what I can do for others. But I believe we are still human and allowed to complain when we are tired as the whole world does, it's human nature. That does not answer my why question. Surely I could have stepped away from the man that betrayed me but I first had to realize he did, maybe I am not that fast in making that conclusion as you could or maybe I try to see the best in people but I am not a push-over or someone to be pushed-over." She stood up from her bar chair. She had been enthralled by Ai's behaviour but she did not like to be called.... whatever it is that he called her. She was doing whatever she could in the world, the fact that she was lacking on saving everyone in Tokyo, was because she could not be everywhere at once but she already disliked herself for missing out on moments when she was there. He did not have to point that out all. She waited for one of the bartenders to get her money. She did not need a reprimanding another time, not about her life that he did not know about. She wasn't maybe careful enough, slipping words he should not consider, she was a doctor and a school nurse for all everyone knew, maybe she would be linked to Witch Doctor maybe not but right now she would probably just leave unless Ai would stop her. 

She wasn't going to listen to men that keep calling her only for their own entertainment. That was over. 

Why did people care what happened to her,e specially when they did not know her. She was allowed to complain when she was tired, she was allowed to continue to do whatever she wanted to do and that was helping people. She tried to ignore Uphondu who said that she had to stop, she did not want to stop, she wanted to work the hardest to forget everything that she failed to do and would continue to fail to do because that was the only way how she would work it out! She did not know why Ai kept pushing her buttons, did he want another apology or did he simply want a slap in his face? Not that she was able to do that, it would be mostly if someone offended Uphondu that she would be able to do so and it was now more that Uphondu was siding with the opposite version of her. They never really saw eye to eye but the fights and discussions they had were, to say the least, mildly annoying and not the point. He was her spirit, that meant he should do what she ordered him to do. Not that she wanted to see it that way, really she preferred to call it teamwork. 

Yes they adapt, change, grow, but that did not mean that she could not ask the question of why. Even if she understood that everything happened for a reason, she could still not see and understand the why in meeting Oz, why her, why did it feel all the time as her? Her God would know but she wanted that answer and in a few weeks, she was sure she would get the peace and just forget it, it was not even that fresh anymore, not on the top of her list to figure out anymore, but she once in a while just wanted to know why. But instead of having this useless, private debate with Ai, she simply decided to leave. 

"Because I have never been one. The only reason why I became a pushover against my ex-boyfriend was for clear reasons that you should have properly guessed after he stole from me." Because she had had that conversation, vague, weird, surprising but Oz had stolen the painting, it had send her mind in a frenzy and look at her now. Walking away, but before she could leave the establishment Ai had already joined her and she looked up at him, she wasn't trying to be angry, it was just all too much. "Am I that interesting to you?"